She clings tightly to the edge of the pool, knuckles while with fear of the unknown. My eyes grow hot but I fight it, surely you can’t cry on the side of the public baby pool in the middle of a perfect Sunday afternoon. I taught her how to swim. But it has been two years this month since she’s lived in my home and longer since she’s been in a pool. The swirl of the cold water and the way it will carry you if you simply relax but pulls you under when you stiffen in panic has become foreign to her.
“Come on!” Patricia pulls at her and it strikes me that she’s just the same age now that Jane was on that day when I packed her backpack and sent her home with her mother and it seems too little. I let the tears fall and ask Him, “What do I do with grief like this on a beautiful, sunny Sunday while kids splash happy all around me?”
“Give it to me,” He whispers.
As the tears clear I see that Patricia has successfully pulled her reluctant friend into the center of the pool. The water reaches only to her chest, but still she is tentative; I know that look in her eyes even as her face tries to smile. Within minutes the reserve melts into relief. The pool! We like the pool! And there she is dancing and splashing and laughing with the rest of them.
The big girls can’t resist all this giggling joy in little sisters and they pull all three over the dividing wall and into the big pool. Again her eyes dart. Is it safe here? She grabs for the edge. But the big girls pull her to the middle to laugh and splash and play and when they don’t let go, she regains her confidence. Soon she’s swimming and splashing and laughing with all her might, fully comfortable with the water all around her, and when it is time to go, she is the hardest to get out.
I wrap her in an enormous soft towel and repent as I pull her close. You would think that I would just be thankful that we still occasionally get these windows of time with her. Who has to give up a child and then still gets to see her sometimes? Not many. I think of all the women I know whose babies have just not woken up in the morning and I know I should be grateful for this gift.
But I’m clinging to the side of the pool. I am clinging to the past and to my what-I-thought-should be instead of to His perfect what-will-be.
I know about the middle of the pool. I know how to swim! I’ve tasted and I have seen that the Lord is good; I have testified with my mouth and known deep in my heart that His will is better than all my plans. I have put together the right words and tied it up in a neat little bow and written it up for the world to see – See! His will is the best! We love it here.
But today a big broken piece of my flesh is clinging to the side, longing for the past and the way I thought I wanted life to be. And the reality is, when I cling here, I don’t have to say a word. My white knuckles and my tense body and the posture of my heart say, “but what if its not? What if His will is just scary cold water and I’ll just stay here on the edge, thanks.” And right there on the side of the pool He uses this little one to bring me to my knees, again.
Who is God when we are clinging to the side? He is the one who comes to right where we are. He is the one who takes our hand and pulls us back to the middle and won’t let go. “Remember, love?” He whispers, “You can swim. I taught you how to swim.” And He doesn’t let go, not ever. Stiffened in panic and doubt, I sink, but relax and lean into Him and the floating comes back easily. The side is not nearly as marvelous as it is out here.

The hope and joy that is found in Jesus Christ, who is working all things for the good of those who love Him, is enough to carry me.

We know this. But the truth is, we all forget. I forget. Life’s hard stings and I question and I wrestle and I believe with all my heart that He will make it all beautiful one day, but can I open my eyes to see that He is making it beautiful now? Right this moment? Because as He pulls me closer to the center of His will, He is only pulling me closer to Him. As I choose to trust Him, again and again and again and again, He promises me that He is transforming me into His likeness. And closer to Him? That is the only place I really want to be.
Stop fighting. Stop holding on so tightly to what you thought you needed for security. Come on out here to the center. He won’t let go. And it’s marvelous here.

137 thoughts on “

  1. Katie, Your book, your blog have moved my 74 year old body and soul to be ready for the work He has for me. I have taught children since I was 15 and still love doing it when I have the chance. You will be in my prayers daily. I'll read your blog to catch up on your journey. Keep moving on and upward along with your new family. Love In Him, Jan

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  2. Thanks for posting. 🙂 I love it when you do. It always encourages me when you blog about things like you just did.:) I know that you probably don't read these comments, but is Amazima going to start hosting mission trips soon?
    -Emma
    p.s. I am 12 and I'm reading your book for the 3rd time. I love it!:)

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  3. Thank you Katie. It is so contrary to my understanding that what God is doing to transform my soul is the very pain that I want to be rid of this day. This security, I suppose, that is being ripped away. My prayer is that I would be Christ's slave and it would be His nearness that would be my good. I pray that my husband and 4 young kids would be right in the center of His will, on the narrow path. I forget. I fear. He has used you today to speak. I can't see the good in this thing that I struggle with today, but I will choose to rest and let go and trust and believe. It does not feel easy. I want more than anything Jesus's will for my life; my kid's and husband's life. I want them to be great in heaven. It hurts so hard. He must be so good!

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  4. Hey Katie, my name is Sarah and I'm 19 and attend Brenau University currently. Thank you for being so sincere and honest with your struggles! I'm currently feeling a call to be bold and step out of my comfort zone by possibly doing medical missions. God is working so hard in my heart lately and has been even giving me dreams! I continuously am dreaming of the sweet, beautiful African children surrounding me with their white smiles as they love on me while I'm trying to help their wounds and sicknesses as best as I can. I've just finished reading your book and it was such an inspiring book. While I read I kept feeling a tug at my heart knowing what God was trying to tell me; to follow him. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so real. I feel like God is calling me to Uganda but I plan on finishing my nursing degree first. I would love to come though in the mean time but I'm not sure how to go about that. If you have a chance to read this and respond I'd love to be able to talk with you about all of this! My email is scampbell3@tiger.brenau.edu or you can reply on here! Thank you so much again and may the Lord continue to bless you and your sweet girls as well as ministry!
    Sarah Campbell

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  5. O Holy God – Father, Son, Spirit; Three-in-ONE Sovereign Lord, I praise Your Holy Name. We are blessed by You, particularly through Your faithful servant Katie Davis. As she writes her heart to the world we are blessed that You lead her and guide her and love her. In this latest story she reminds me of the invalid man by the pool in Your Word in John 5. . . and how did You respond? “Get up. Pick up your mat and walk.” (Dare I say, 'let go of the edge, come to the middle of the pool'?)So we trust. We let go. Dear Jesus, I boldly pray the words from Psalm 94 (NLT)”I cried out, “I'm slipping!” and Your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.”
    I pray for Jane and her mother for safety, shelter, food, and spiritual nourishment, and most of all, for salvation in Jesus Christ the Lord. Amen.

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  6. Thank you for always being a blessing Katie Davis. I went to Kenya 6 months ago and I am back in the States now. It has been a difficult transition and I am itching to go back to Africa again. Your blog posts give me a “little taste” of what I miss so much and your posts are always challenging. Praying for you daily. Blessings to you sister!

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  7. Katie, thank you for always being such a blessing. I went to Western Kenya 6 months ago, and I am back in the States now. It has been a very difficult transition and I am itching to return to Kenya. I love coming to your blog for a “little taste” of what I miss so much. Thank you for always sharing. Praying for you daily. Blessings to you sister!
    Kayla

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  8. Thank-You, Katie. I needed to hear this as well.

    People who are following the Lord, walking where He would have them walk, always have something to say that touches the hearts of others.

    My our Lord continue to bless your work, guide your steps, open your heart, and soothe your fears.

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  9. Needed this reminder of sweet, beautiful truth. Seasons of life change, but He does not. He is forever consistent and faithful, therefore His plan is forever consistent in goodness and faithful to be fulfilled.

    Thank you. Thank you for the way you lay down your life and invite others (many you don't know) into that same journey.

    Your influence is much great that Uganda.

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  10. I read your book during last summer vacation. It was very touching and powerful enough to change my life.

    I could say your soul is so beautiful that it glorifies Jesus name. You made me think over the purpose of life of true disciples of Jesus Christ.

    I really appreciate you have become a good model and challenged all of us.

    From South Korea,
    With Love in Jesus,
    Janis Kim

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  11. WOW! You have found a way to speak the heart of so many with such precious love and understanding. Thank you for sharing your heart for in so doing you have helped so many of us to see the very same within ourselves. May we all have the courage to let go of the side and hold on to a Father who will not leave us.

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  12. You are such an inspiration to me and my daughter. Thank you for writing the book. We loved it and my daughter has inspired her teacher to read it as well as other classmates. She is ten years old. Awesome!!
    Hollie and Abbi

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  13. You are such an inspiration to me and my daughter. Thank you for writing the book. We loved it and my daughter has inspired her teacher to read it as well as other classmates. She is ten years old. Awesome!!
    Hollie and Abbi

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  14. Hello!
    I feel like I know you and your life, but in reality I only know you through Christ. I just finished reading your book the other day, and it has been one of the biggest blessings to me. I am 17 years old, and have felt led to mission since I was 13. And now I am in the preparation time as He leads me further. Reading your book, caused lots of thought, lots of tears, and lots of prayers 🙂
    Thank you, Katie, for sharing your story, Christ's story, and letting us be blessed by it! God's rich blessing upon you!!!
    In Him,
    Raechel

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  15. I know people say, “Oh that was just what I needed…perfect timing!” all the time….but REALLY. Perfect timing. Thank you.
    Was talking with my mom last night about being on the mission field & why can't that be classified as being responsible & when it's time to “come home & get a job” God will make that happen then…but until then, I am trusting Him to continue calling me & to continue drawing me to Himself & taking care of me out in the middle of the pool.
    Seriously…that was just what I needed.
    God is so very good & kind to us.

    http://www.emilyjaneism.tumblr.com

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  16. I just finished reading your book and as I did I realized what day it was… the 2 year anniversary of having to give up your baby. I see through this post that you still see her but I'm sure in some ways that makes it more difficult… to love her again and have your heart torn out once more as she leaves yet again.

    Thinking and praying for you and your girls today! I pray that He will meet you where you are at.. in the joy and in the sorrow. That He will continue to comfort and guide you. That although we don't always understand.. that you can continue to rest in the fact that He is sovereign, He is good, and He is faithful.

    Although you can't always be with Jane, He is there. He loves her more than you ever could and He is watching over her. Doesn't make it easy but continue to depend on Him and He will give you the strength you need.

    ~Alison (alisonwilms.theworldrace.org)

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  17. Katie,
    Thank you for sharing this. I have a little girl like Jane in my life. I believe she is my spiritual daughter and she is my first son's biological sister. All my children are adopted. This summer she spent some weekends at our house for the first time ever. I don't know what the future holds for her or what role we will play. Thank you for reminding me that it is safe in the middle of the pool and God knows what is best and will take care of this child and me. Sometimes the fear and worry creep in and I want to be in control because I think I know better. It is so helpful to read your posts and know I am not the only mother facing something like this.

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  18. I want to start first by saying a big “thank you” to Dr. Lee! There are a bunch of nuts out there just trying to make a fast buck, but you are legitimate! I prayed before I went online that God would send me exactly where I needed to go to find help for my problems in the love department, and I mean I went STRAIGHT to your site and felt it was the place I needed to be. I'm forever grateful! Dr. Lee is of God, and his gifts come from God, not some evil or ego-centered place. Of that I am certain, and my love problems have already started to improve. Thank you thank you!!! Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com

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  19. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster called Dr.ogala, have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 2 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. His email: Ogalalovespell@yahoo.com website http://ogalalovespell.webs.com

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  20. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster called Dr.ogala, have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 2 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. His email: Ogalalovespell@yahoo.com website http://ogalalovespell.webs.com

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  21. Hey Kaite,
    I am writing a paper on your for my leadership and faith class on women of faith. I was wondering if you could email me some information on yourself, because there are requirements for my paper that I cannot find on the internet. (sorry if that is creepy). If you could please email me at 34502@sjabr.org that would be splinded. You truely are one of God's angels sent to earth and I feel blessed to have chosen such a wonderful person as my “woman of faith”.
    Thank you,
    Hope Mayer

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